Overall Score
Rating Overview
Story/Plot
10%
Visuals/Cinematography
90%
Performance
60%
Direction
35%
Non-Wokeness
0%
Rating Summary
Poor things is what happens when degenerate people who think that they are smarter than they are read the first few chapters of Frankenstein after finishing a 101 community college philosophy course. Instead of unpacking the mysteries of human nature, they romanticize the worst things about us.
Mary Shelley, the author of Frankenstein, penned her iconic novel in 1816 during a summer stay at Lord Byron’s villa on Lake Geneva. The creation of this Gothic masterpiece was sparked by a friendly competition among Byron, Percy Bysshe Shelley (Mary’s husband), John Polidori, and herself, to craft the most chilling ghost story. The haunting tale of Victor Frankenstein and his reanimated creature emerged from this literary challenge, showcasing Mary Shelley’s imaginative prowess and giving birth to one of the most enduring works of horror literature.
Set in a fictional steampunk 1800s Europe, when mad scientist Dr. Godwin Baxter (Willem Dafoe) finds a fresh and viable corpse floating in the river, he’s compelled to experiment on it, ultimately bringing it back to life as the seemingly dimwitted Bella (Emma Stone). As the abomination Bella matures, she begins a journey of self-discovery that will lead to her full actualization.
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Billed as a dark comedy, Poor Things is a reimagining of the Gothic Horror classic Frankenstein, but unlike most reimaginings, which usually only end up being inferior to their source material, Poor Things is a dumpster fire of vileness, infantile philosophy, and arrogance that can be seen from space.
Willem Dafoe gives his usual 110% as the quirky doctor, but for all of the impressive prosthetics he wears, his character isn’t much to look at. Despite how the commercials may make it appear, Dafoe is a tertiary character with very little development or screen time. Instead, his primary use is that of a plot catalyst and not much else.
Mark Ruffalo plays Duncan Wedderburn, a lawyer and self-proclaimed cad who is immediately besotted with Bella. Mind you, she has the mind of a toddler. His first interaction with her is to molest her, which she enjoys… because she has the mind of a toddler and the sex drive of an adult. Disgusted yet?
One of the film’s few redeeming qualities is Ruffalo’s exaggerated performance. Regrettably, his character engages in a disturbing and graphic sexual relationship with a severely mentally handicapped woman, portraying a torrid and explicit love affair throughout their European tour. This ugliness lays waste to any potential comedy beats that his performance might otherwise provide.
While the film has much and more wrong with it, one of its most significant weaknesses is everything about its main character. Completely ignoring Tropic Thunder’s sage advice, Emma Stone’s natural comedic panache renders Bella’s mental capacity as an 80s/90s middle school joke instead of the nuanced character those involved in the film’s creation mistakenly believe it to be.
Furthermore, Bella’s childlike mentality elevates the film’s relentless p*rnography from merely graphic and gratuitous to utterly grotesque. That Bella’s evolution is only ever propelled forward by graduated sexual perversions culminating in her getting run through as a French whor* (WITH THE MIND OF A CHILD) is a disturbing commentary on the filmmakers’ worldview.
Making things worse, Poor Things is a plodding two-and-a-half hours with a meandering plot. While it repeatedly tells us about fun adventures that Bella gets into, it chooses to show us scene after scene of her walking around in between said adventures. This gives the audience plenty of time to ponder the horror show that must have been writer/director Yorgos Lanthimos’s childhood. We wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not allowed within 500 yards of a school.
Ultimately, Poor Things is a never-ending pedo-fetish p*rno with fantastic cinematography and a beautiful aesthetic that has absolutely no idea what it takes to make a well-paced and focused film, let alone what it means to be human.
WOKE ELEMENTS
Let’s talk about sex.
- The entirety of the film hinges on and furiously preaches the wrong-think that juvenile hedonism is the meaning of life.
- Bella’s character finds love in a lesbian relationship because.
- The film is full of discordant music throughout. The only exception is in this scene.
- In one particularly graphic scene, moments after we discover that Bella ***SPOILER*** is an actual child in an adult’s body, ***END SPOILER*** the “comedy” offers one of its many attempts at humor and shows us Bella loudly org*sm after ramming an apple inside of herself.
- In another “comedic” scene, a man brings his young sons (approximately 10 and 12 years old) to Bella so that he can have instructive sex in front of them. He then plans for them to have sex with her.
- It is overtly expressed that being a whor* is how a woman finds her freedom.
- There’s a lot (like someone had a very friendly drunk uncle – “a lot”) of genital “gags,” play, and talk – if a fraction of a second of it was remotely related to funny, at least it could be written off as ineffective attempts at humor, but this isn’t funny and is really uncomfortably odd.
- Bella’s character finds love in a lesbian relationship because.
The talking points are strong with this one.
- There’s a line about not accepting the lie of religion, capitalism, or socialism, blah blah blah
Sacrilege
- There’s some nonsense about the stifling wrongness of a Christian nation.
- Dafoe’s character was given the last name Godwin solely so that Bella would have an excuse to refer to him as God.
Men are overrated
- Every man is a mess in one way or another, and the only two people who find any true happiness are Bella (once she begins studying for a career in medicine) and her lesbian lover.
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James Carrick
James Carrick is a passionate film enthusiast with a degree in theater and philosophy. James approaches dramatic criticism from a philosophic foundation grounded in aesthetics and ethics, offering insight and analysis that reveals layers of cinematic narrative with a touch of irreverence and a dash of snark.
20 comments
Kevin
December 7, 2023 at 5:46 pm
Man you really pulled no punches with this one. I am s sorry you had to put yourself through that dumpster fire of a movie.
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Jack
February 6, 2024 at 6:40 pm
Lol I feel the same way. Maybe they drink a lot after making the review to wipe their memories of the horrific experience?
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Jolene
December 7, 2023 at 10:51 pm
How the heck did this one get greenlighted?!?
Their fairytale ending is that she gets away from the evil men and is with a lesbian? What a terrible idea to present to young women!43
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Henry
December 12, 2023 at 8:35 pm
Never heard of this movie until now, but I just watched the trailer and it looks awful. I didn’t think it was possible, but this movie somehow looks both pretentious and low-brow at the same time. Mark Ruffalo trying to imitate Marlon Brando with that “Bella!” line was cringeworthy. Ruffalo is one of the most bland actors out there, and I was saying that long before I knew what his politics were.
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Ethan
December 17, 2023 at 10:12 pm
Gotta say i can’t agree with you on this one. I found this to be one of the most straightforward and least woke films of the decade. This film provides darkly offensive humor that satirizes anyone and anything, along with pushing the r-rating too make sensitive sallys quiver in their seats. Reminded me of the best aspects of 70s films such as a clockwork orange, the devils, and barry lyndon. Yorgos has a genuine vision for what he wants to achive in his films, without pandering to a specifc political side. This man makes movies for audiences who are tired of the same safe, derivative and stale movies that plague our society
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James Savile
December 18, 2023 at 8:55 am
I dont know what you expect from European movies, their movies promote feminism lesbianism and communism in almost every movie. In Europe instead of church they have woke. What a shame that the great western civilization has fallen and been replaced with hack foreign communist film directors like ‘Yorgos’ which sounds muslim to me…
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B
December 25, 2023 at 11:21 pm
Yeah,check the numbers,,-& PEOPLE ARE WALKING OUT OF THE “film”-in droves,,;) NEVER SAY DIE!!!!!!🇺🇸⚔️🇺🇸
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F#ck religion
December 28, 2023 at 7:11 am
I don’t consider myself woke, but religion and the church are basically the cause of most f#cked up things that are happening in this world. In Europe we don’t have “woke instead of church” – we just don’t need a church to know right from wrong and also don’t need pedophiles preaching to us! Furthermore, no other country is as woke and at the same time divided as the USA! Just look at what’s going on on the Westcoast! It’s either ridiculously liberal socialist woke morons OR conservative religious republican idiots in the US! Think about that before talking bullsh#t about Europe! And what’s wrong with lesbianism? Women at least don’t account for 95% of crimes committed on this planet! Oh right, it’s your church that promotes this hom*ophobic crap. And btw, Yorgos is a very typically Greek name and has nothing to do with “Muslim” – go educate yourself!
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Bob
February 3, 2024 at 8:05 am
hom*osexuality should never be promoted. It is unnatural and wrong.
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Don
December 21, 2023 at 10:17 pm
Hey, can we have a like feature for the review itself? Saved my tomorrow afternoon by reading this, thank you
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Paul
December 23, 2023 at 12:23 pm
On a whim, I saw this yesterday. My wife said it was a retelling of Frankenstein and I watched lart of the trailer. We both thought it sucked. I kept looking at the time trying to see when it would end. Pretty sure I’ve never looked at the time while watching movie that many times before. Only redeeming quality was the unique look of the film.
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Regent
January 11, 2024 at 10:57 pm
This film is a visual masterpiece and I loved the discordant soundtrack. I had no problem with the sex scenes etc. It’s actually very close to the erotic art horror films of the 70’s Jean Rollin, Jess Franco etc . It’s not woke in the modern s sense but makes me think more of Emmanuel, Lady Chatterly. Yes I was annoyed by the feminist subtext and the ending, but I think the implications was that feminism is the Frankenstein Monster that was created.
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Regent
January 18, 2024 at 12:02 pm
And just to be clear, I also despise Wokeness.
I just don’t think this movie was as bad as the review made it out to be in fact it’s quite anti- PC.4
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James Carrick
January 18, 2024 at 12:46 pm
It would be a very boring world if we all agreed all of the time.
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Regent
January 18, 2024 at 6:18 pm
Yep! And I also really enjoyed Godzilla minus 1 and agree with your review of that!
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Bilbo
January 23, 2024 at 4:19 pm
This movie is just a pedo movie. She has the body of a woman, and the actual brain removed from a baby and put it into hers. She walks like a toddler and talks that way. Then they just start having naked men bang her over and over again. I saw someone say the was a beautiful feminist coming of age story. When did Feminism become pedophia. It has scenes filmed with a fish eye lense and what looks to be ring camera. This is not art. It is pure trash
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Mark
January 29, 2024 at 3:57 am
I saw this in Italy dubbed and without subtitles. I know Italian well enough to have understood the convoluted script. The Italian audience didn’t seem too entertained either. If you compare movie going to a day at the amusem*nt park, this film, Povera Creatures in Italian, was like riding a roller coaster that gets stuck going up the first decent. If I had seen this film in English I would’ve walked out during the intermission.
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Ale
February 2, 2024 at 6:32 pm
lol, you know right that in China women are like the 33-34% of total people in prisons? and that if in the West they are much lesser than men, is due to the fact that…you all are privileged? socio-legally privileged? you literally have 8-9 times lesser chances to get arrested for the same crime as us men, and get 3/4 lesser sentences for the same crime. there are models, laws and feminist diktat like the Istanbul Convention, the Duluth Model and many others who PREVENT POLICE FROM ARRESTING YOU FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE in the US and many european countries. you kill 90% of babies too, how’s that? the most horrible crime in the world, killing babies, is made mostly by YOU females.
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Geoff Webber
February 13, 2024 at 10:07 pm
Ok, I’m going to call it. This movie is ACTUALLY about how all promiscuous women were actually abused by a man when they were far too young – as per in this story. Therefore, they are broken and have fetishized the very act that broke them. That is true in real life but many people unaffected are unaware. This film is about infant sexual abuse and how, in this case, female ‘degeneracy’ is actually caused by that and, ultimately can only be truly healed by another woman. However… it’s hard not to think that this film isn’t aware of this, and that it, infact, is designed to appeal to MAPs and city girls. God help us all.
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DM
February 19, 2024 at 9:36 am
I agree with every word and conclusion of this review. After seeing Poor Things, I felt crazy reading all the five star reviews of it. It was nothing but pretentious garbage, and I wish I had those 2.5 hours back so I could do something productive with them, like stare at a wall or pick my nose.
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